From the Spirits Beside Us podcast
Watch the episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHIOpgJiGi8
Most people believe they’re open in their relationships. They say what they think they’re supposed to say, they show up, and they assume the other person understands how they feel. But what you think you’re expressing and what the other person actually experiences are often not the same thing. When that gap exists, it doesn’t usually create a problem right away. It builds slowly over time, and most people don’t realize it’s happening.
The Difference Between Feeling It and Showing It
I saw this clearly in a recent reading. I connected with someone who felt completely open—no hesitation, no holding back, no second-guessing. His energy was consistent. He showed me simple, everyday moments: holding hands without thinking about it, saying “I love you” regularly, expressing affection in ways that weren’t reserved for special occasions.
As I described this, the person I was reading for recognized it immediately. Nothing about it felt surprising to her. That’s what stood out. This wasn’t something he did occasionally. This was how he showed up every day.
Most people don’t operate like that. They express love when it feels appropriate or when something prompts it. They assume the relationship is in a good place because nothing is obviously wrong. But that’s not the same as being open. That’s just maintaining the status quo.
How Emotional Debt Builds
In almost every reading I’ve done, there’s some version of the same message. People wish they had said more. They wish they had shown more. They wish they had taken the time to express what they were feeling while they still had the chance.
I think of that as emotional debt. It’s everything you meant to say but didn’t, everything you assumed was understood but never actually expressed. It doesn’t feel urgent in the moment. It feels like something you can handle later.
But later isn’t guaranteed. And relationships don’t strengthen through assumption—they strengthen through expression.
The Moment That Changed It for Me
In that same reading, there was one line that didn’t seem to fit at first. After everything this man had shown—after how consistently he expressed love—he said, “I’m sorry our time got ripped apart.”
That stopped me. It didn’t match what I had been feeling at all. I expected regret about something left unsaid, but there wasn’t any.
Then it clicked. He wasn’t apologizing for what he didn’t say. He had already said it. He had already lived it. The only thing he was sorry for was that time ran out.
There was no emotional debt. No unfinished conversations. No wondering if something should have been done differently. Just the loss of more time.
That’s a very different experience than what I usually see.
Where Most People Get It Wrong
Most people overestimate how open they actually are. You might feel like you’re expressive. You might care deeply. You might assume the people in your life know how you feel.
But feeling something isn’t the same as expressing it. And expressing it occasionally isn’t the same as doing it consistently enough that the other person actually experiences it.
There’s a difference between:
Saying “I love you” sometimes
and making sure it’s felt regularly
Assuming someone understands you
and making sure they don’t have to guess
When that consistency isn’t there, distance builds in small ways. Not through conflict, but through what goes unspoken.
A Simple Way to Check Your Openness
If you want to see this more clearly, you don’t need anything complicated. You just need an honest conversation.
Ask someone close to you:
When do you feel most connected to me?
Is there something you’ve been feeling that you haven’t shared?
How does it actually feel when I express appreciation or affection?
What do you need more of from me?
Then listen. Don’t explain or correct—just listen. Because openness isn’t about what you intend to communicate. It’s about what the other person actually experiences.
What This Means in Real Life
Every relationship you have is either strengthening through consistent expression or weakening through what goes unsaid. That applies to your partner, your friends, your family, and even the people you work with.
The appreciation you don’t voice, the respect you don’t acknowledge, the connection you assume is understood—those are all missed opportunities to build something stronger.
You don’t need to change who you are to shift this. But you do have to decide to be more intentional about expressing what you’re already feeling.
That might feel uncomfortable at first. That’s normal. It usually means you’re stepping outside of a pattern.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about being perfect. It’s about living in a way where the people in your life don’t have to question how you feel about them. Because if something changes unexpectedly, the question won’t be whether you cared—it will be whether they actually felt it while you had the chance.
If you want to go deeper into this, listen to the full episode of Spirits Beside Us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHIOpgJiGi8
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