Top 10 Steps to Forgiveness; How to Release Anger and Hurt

Ever had that feeling that something someone did to you was so heinous that it keeps gnawing away at you? You can’t just let it go? Perhaps you’d like to, but the action was so grievous that you want JUSTICE! Or at least your pound of flesh.

There’s a problem, though. If you keep thinking like this, you’re not progressing with your life. You’re stuck looking in the rearview mirror, rehashing everything that happened back then. Meantime, the person who hurt you carries on, oblivious to your pain, moving on with their life.

So, how do you fix this dilemma? Do you find a way to make the assailant suffer like you did? That won’t be easy or even possible. That’s vindictive and comes with all sorts of problems that make your life even messier.

You clearly don’t want to just ignore it, for you probably won’t be very successful. You’ll just wind up suppressing the issue into your subconscious, where it will fester and need to be dealt with later…when it will be more difficult.

Forgiveness, especially from a religious or spiritual perspective, can feel like a superhuman task, almost as if it's reserved for saints. It's often equated with Jesus or God, a standard that feels impossible to live up to. But forgiveness doesn't have to be an impossible ideal. Instead, think of it as a gift you give yourself. It's a release that allows you to move forward without carrying the heavy burden of anger and resentment.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the crime or action. Forgiving the action just removes the baggage you’re carrying around that blocks your joy. It's crucial for softening and renewing your spirit, much like watering parched earth or dry soil. It allows you to let go of the hurt and move beyond the past so you can live in the NOW.

“Well, this is all fine and dandy, Chris, but I’m just a regular person. How can I possibly do all that?! You can’t begin to imagine what that person DID to me!”

You’re right; forgiveness isn’t easy, especially when the hurt is deep. But it's not about minimizing your pain; it's about freeing yourself from it. Here are some steps to guide you through the process:

10 Steps to Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge Your Own Feelings

Like the different stages of grief, one of the first things you must do is take note of how you feel and be honest with yourself. Allow the pain or hurt feelings to rise to the surface so you can finally deal with them. They can’t be healed if they’re hidden. Start by journaling your feelings or talking to a trusted friend or therapist. Accepting and owning your emotions is the first step toward healing.

• Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. Set aside a few minutes each day to write without censoring yourself. Let your thoughts flow freely onto the paper. This process helps you identify and understand your emotions, and it can be a safe space to release pent-up anger or sadness.
• Talking to a trusted friend or therapist: Sometimes, speaking your truth aloud is necessary. Find someone you trust who can listen without judgment. They don’t need to provide solutions; sometimes, you just need to be heard. Therapists are trained to help you navigate complex emotions and can offer professional guidance.
• Accept your feelings without judgment: It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or betrayed. These are natural human responses to being wronged. Avoid labeling your emotions as “bad” or “wrong.” Instead, acknowledge them as valid reactions to your experience. Self-compassion is key in this stage.

2. Connect With Spirit and Ask For Help

Forgiveness is a big task, and you could probably use some help. Invite your spirit guides, the Universe, or whatever you believe in to help you. Remember how much your guides care about you. With their love in your mind, you can begin to heal. You might try meditation, prayer, or spending time in nature to feel connected to something greater than yourself. Spiritual practices can provide a comforting sense of support and guidance.

• Meditation: Set aside time each day to meditate. Focus on your breath and allow yourself to be present in the moment. Visualization meditation can be powerful; imagine light or love surrounding and filling you, healing your wounds. This practice can help calm your mind and open your heart to forgiveness.
• Prayer: If prayer resonates with you, use it as a way to seek guidance and strength. Ask for the ability to forgive, and for the peace that comes with letting go. You can pray in a traditional sense or simply talk to the universe or your higher self. Prayer can be a powerful tool for emotional release and connection.
• Spending time in nature: Nature has a grounding and healing effect. Take a walk in a park, sit by a river, or simply spend time in your garden. Being outdoors can help you feel more connected to the world around you and remind you of the beauty and serenity that exists beyond your pain. Nature can be a powerful healer.

3. Communicate With the Person

Often, when we discuss an issue with someone, we find that the action may have been an oversight, a mistake, or something they never realized would hurt you. It may have just been a complete misstep. Open a line of communication, if it feels safe and appropriate. Be honest about your feelings without blaming. Sometimes, the other person may not even realize the impact of their actions. Remember, this step is about your healing, not seeking revenge or a confession.

• Choose the right time and place: Timing and setting are crucial when discussing sensitive issues. Choose a time when you’re both calm and in a private setting where you won’t be interrupted. This can make the conversation more productive and less emotionally charged.
• Use “I” statements: Express your feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, “I felt hurt when this happened,” instead of, “You hurt me by doing this.” This approach helps the other person understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
• Be prepared for any response: The person may react defensively, feel guilty, or be unaware of their actions' impact. Be ready for any response and remain calm. Remember, this conversation is about expressing your feelings, not controlling how they react. You can’t control their reaction, only your own response.

4. Set Up New Boundaries

All relationships need boundaries, and this experience might be the catalyst for setting healthier ones. Boundaries can protect you from future harm and give you the freedom to heal. They might include reducing contact with the person who hurt you, communicating your needs more clearly, or taking time for yourself. Boundaries empower you to feel safe and respected, which is essential for forgiveness.

• Identify your needs: Take some time to reflect on what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship. These needs might include more space, clearer communication, or certain behaviors that you will no longer tolerate. Knowing your needs helps you set boundaries that are meaningful and protective.
• Communicate your boundaries clearly: Once you’ve identified your needs, communicate them to the other person. Be direct but kind. For example, “I need time to process my feelings, so I may not respond to messages right away,” or “I need you to respect my need for space.” Clear communication helps prevent misunderstandings.
• Enforce your boundaries: Setting boundaries is one thing; enforcing them is another. Be prepared to follow through on your boundaries if they are crossed. This might mean limiting contact or taking a step back from the relationship temporarily. Remember, enforcing boundaries is a form of self-respect, not punishment.

5. Release Your Pain to the Universe

Imagine taking all your pain and placing it in a bubble. Now imagine that bubble begins to float up higher and higher into the sky. Soon it’s out of sight and gone. You no longer carry feelings of hurt inside because they have been taken away by the bubble. You’re left with nothing but peace, tranquility, and the joy of the NOW. Visualizations like this can be powerful tools for letting go. Practice this regularly, and over time, you'll find your emotional load lightening.

• Visualization exercises: Visualization can be a powerful tool for emotional release. Close your eyes and picture your pain as a tangible object. Imagine placing it in a bubble, balloon, or boat, and watch as it floats away. Visualize it becoming smaller and smaller until it disappears. This exercise can help you feel like you're actively releasing your pain.
• Breathing techniques: Combine visualization with deep breathing. As you inhale, imagine drawing in positive, healing energy. As you exhale, visualize your pain and negativity being expelled from your body. This physical act of breathing can reinforce the mental act of letting go, making the experience more powerful.
• Create a letting-go ritual: Rituals can provide closure and a sense of release. You might write down your pain on a piece of paper and then burn it (safely), tear it up, or release it into a river. These symbolic actions can help you feel that you’re actively letting go of the pain, making space for peace and healing.

6. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about living in the present moment, fully experiencing your surroundings, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. When you're mindful, you're less likely to get caught up in reliving the past or worrying about the future. This practice helps you break the cycle of negative thoughts and emotions, which can keep you anchored to past hurts.

• Start with your breath: One of the simplest ways to practice mindfulness is to focus on your breathing. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and take slow, deep breaths. Notice the sensation of air entering and leaving your body. If your mind wanders to painful memories or anger, gently bring it back to your breath. This practice can be grounding and calming.
• Body scans: A body scan is another mindfulness exercise where you mentally scan your body from head to toe, paying attention to any tension or discomfort. By focusing on physical sensations, you can often release some of the emotional pain stored in your body.
• Mindful walking or eating: Engage in everyday activities mindfully. For example, when walking, notice how your feet feel against the ground, or when eating, savor each bite and pay attention to the taste and texture. These simple acts help you stay present and reduce ruminating thoughts.

7. Engage in Physical Activity

Exercise is not only beneficial for your physical health but also your mental well-being. When you move your body, you release built-up tension and stress. Physical activity boosts endorphins, the "feel-good" hormones that can naturally elevate your mood.

• Choose activities you enjoy: Whether it's running, yoga, dancing, or hiking, choose something that makes you feel good. If you enjoy the activity, you're more likely to stick with it. Exercise doesn't have to be intense; even a gentle walk can make a big difference.
• Mind-body practices: Activities like yoga, tai chi, or Pilates can be particularly beneficial for releasing emotional tension. These practices combine movement with breath control and mindfulness, helping you release not only physical but also emotional blocks.
• Consistent routine: Make physical activity a regular part of your routine. Even 20-30 minutes a day can help you manage stress and keep your mind focused on the present rather than dwelling on the past.

8. Seek Professional Help

Sometimes, the pain and anger you feel can be too deep-rooted to handle alone. A trained professional can provide the guidance and tools you need to navigate your emotions and heal more effectively.

• Therapy and counseling: Therapists and counselors specialize in helping people process trauma, anger, and grief. They can offer strategies to change negative thought patterns, build emotional resilience, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
• Support groups: Joining a support group can provide a sense of community and understanding. Hearing others' experiences and sharing your own can be incredibly healing. It reminds you that you are not alone in your struggles.
• Alternative therapies: Consider exploring alternative forms of therapy, such as art therapy, music therapy, or somatic experiencing. These approaches can help you express and process emotions in non-verbal ways, which can be particularly helpful if you find it hard to talk about your feelings.

9. Cultivate Gratitude

Focusing on what you have, rather than what you’ve lost, can significantly shift your mindset. Gratitude helps you see the positive aspects of your life, which can counterbalance the negative emotions that come with holding onto anger and resentment.

• Gratitude journaling: Start a gratitude journal and write down three things you're thankful for each day. These can be simple, like a beautiful sunset, a warm cup of tea, or a kind word from a friend. Over time, this practice can help you develop a more positive outlook.
• Gratitude letters: Write a letter of gratitude to someone who has made a positive impact on your life. You don't necessarily have to send it; the act of writing it can help you focus on the good and express appreciation, which can be uplifting and healing.
• Daily gratitude ritual: Incorporate a moment of gratitude into your daily routine. It could be during your morning coffee, before bed, or while commuting. Reflect on something or someone you’re grateful for, and let that feeling fill your heart. This simple practice can be a powerful tool in shifting your perspective from hurt to healing.

10. Practice Self-Compassion

In the process of forgiving others, it’s equally important to forgive yourself. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would a close friend.

• Positive self-talk: Be mindful of your inner dialogue. Replace self-critical thoughts with gentle, affirming ones. For instance, instead of saying, “I should have handled that better,” try, “I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
• ”Self-care routines: Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is a form of self-compassion. Engage in activities that nurture you, whether it's taking a long bath, reading a good book, or spending time in nature. Self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary for healing.
• Accepting imperfections: Understand that it's okay to make mistakes and have moments of weakness. We all do. Embrace your humanity and let go of the unrealistic expectation that you have to be perfect. Self-compassion allows you to acknowledge your pain without judgment, which is a critical step in the forgiveness process.

Now that you’ve released the pain through forgiveness, don’t you feel so much lighter? You’re no longer carrying around that extra baggage that was weighing you down. You’re no longer living your life in the past and ruminating on things that you can’t change. They already happened. You can’t change things that happened in the past unless you’ve got a time machine (if you’ve got one, please let me know; I’ve got some places I’d love to visit).

Forgiveness isn’t easy, I grant you that. But you must begin somewhere, so start now. Just try. It’s called a forgiveness practice for a reason. Whether you forgive yourself or another person, start with tiny hurts and very slowly work your way up to bigger issues when you’re more confident. Baby steps. When you get the hang of it, it’s kind of like riding a bike. You’ll never forget. You may slip occasionally, but that’s OK. Everybody makes mistakes. Just keep practicing forgiveness, and you’ll feel so much lighter.

If you'd like a complementary visualization meditation to help you support your forgiveness practice, you can get it here.

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Tags: Forgiveness, understanding, self-awareness, acceptance, non-judgment, sin, trespass, prayers, god, compassion, loving kindness, golden-rule, spirit, spirit guides, spiritual growth, enlightenment, living spiritually