How Loving Others Accelerates Your Spiritual Development

The other night I was out to dinner with some friends at a nice Italian restaurant. Wouldn’t you know it, but soon there were all these other patrons who seemed to get loud and obnoxious and really began to annoy me. As a spiritual person, what did I do? Not what I should have.

I felt the anger welling up inside of me as my ego mind made it a battle of “them vs me.” I tried to focus on my friends at dinner, but my ego mind just wouldn’t leave it alone. By the end of the meal, I was exhausted from trying to suppress the annoyance and the feelings of struggling with others who seemed to rub me the wrong way.

Why did I let this affect me so much? Shouldn’t I have sent them loving kindness and been more aware of our unity, not the separation between us? Certainly, but the human in me leaped at the chance to be heard.

The Golden Rule

Ever since you were a child, I’ll bet you’ve heard the Golden Rule espoused as the way you should live your life. No doubt, you’ve heard it from religious leaders, various organizations and maybe even friends. Why does this concept seem so important? More importantly, what does it even mean? Finally, how can we do it?

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: the meaning of the phrase. 

When you hear the phrase “the Golden Rule” what does it mean to you? Perhaps you attribute the phrase with the biblical expression, “Do to others what you would have them do to you” (Mat 7-12) from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. 

Interestingly, this concept is found throughout history and is not particular to Christianity. 

In its negative form it’s found in the 2nd century Apology of Aristides, in the 1st century BC writings of the two great Jewish scholars Hillel and Philo of Alexandria, and in the Analects of Confucius (6th and 5th centuries BC). It also appears in one form or another in the writings of Plato, Aristotle, Isocrates, and Seneca.

You can expand the above definition to placing the interests of others on equal footing as your own…no matter who the other person is. Jesus expressed this as loving your neighbor as yourself, and in the bible this is called agape. In Buddhism this is called metta. 

The intention is clearly stated that you should also love your enemies as well. You should commit yourself to the highest well-being of all people–friends and enemies alike. This is true loving-kindness to all beings that you can cultivate as a spiritual discipline, a choice.

The reason you need to look at loving-kindness, or metta, as a spiritual discipline is because you don’t normally care about everyone, let alone your enemies. Your ego wants to protect you, make you the center of its world and will do anything in its power to keep you from harm. Your ego’s mentality is “It’s us vs them.”

You care about yourself first, your loved ones second, your acquaintances third and maybe some random strangers for whom you feel sympathy last. Your enemies, well you’d rather attack them….

Consequently, you create artificial boundaries and each category with which you interact is treated differently. This selective treatment runs counter to the balanced approach of committing to the highest good for all. 

Your ego mind by now is surely yelling, “Why do I need to treat EVERYONE equally, and how can I possibly do that?!”

One approach is to realize that all beings are interconnected and interrelated, and that harm to one is harm to all. We’re all in this together, so we all sink together or swim together. Said differently, “you reap what you sow.” 

Another way to put loving-kindness into motion as a spiritual discipline is practicing random acts of kindness. Just pick a random person you encounter, best if they’re a stranger, and do something kind for them, something “nice.” This is where you can apply the list of “little actions” we discussed in a previous article. 

Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line. Give a homeless person some spare change or some food. Smile at a random stranger. Send kindness to annoying strangers at a restaurant. There are countless ways to make an impact. What actions can you dream up?

What’s great about this is it helps you get over your automatic selectivity and preferential treatment of others. Here you’re doing a good deed without the expectation of reward, so it’s perfectly altruistic. 

A great way to exercise loving-kindness as a spiritual practice is to begin sitting for a loving-kindness meditation (LKM). This is quite popular in the Buddhist tradition. There are numerous health benefits that have been documented with LKM. Among these include benefits to chronic pain, anger management, stress and empathy. 

How to Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation

Set aside just a few minutes. Sit in a comfortable chair, with your feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes, relax your muscles and allow your breath to find its own natural rhythm. It’s normal if your mind wanders, and that’s ok. Just gently bring your mind back to center.

Imagine yourself experiencing complete physical and emotional wellness and inner peace. Imagine feeling perfect love for yourself, and thank yourself for all that you are. 

Repeat three or four positive, reassuring messages to yourself. Below are examples, but you can create your own:

• May I be happy
• May I be safe
• May I be healthy

Bask in feelings of warmth and self-compassion. Let these feelings envelope you. 

Keep sitting like this for several weeks or until you feel comfortable with the imagery and loving phrases.

Over time, begin to direct your loving kindness to your family and loved ones in your life. Feel your gratitude and love for them. 

Later, shift your attention to friends and acquaintances, and envision them with perfect wellness and inner peace.

Next, direct your loving-kindness to everyone around the world, and focus on your feeling of connection and compassion.

Lastly, offer your loving-kindness to those with whom you are in conflict or are difficult in your life. Offer your enemies safety, health, happiness and contentment. As you offer them loving-kindness, you will begin to reach a place of forgiveness, release rumination and achieve greater inner peace. 

Loving-kindness isn’t going to happen to you accidentally. It’s a commitment you need to make, a practice you must cultivate, and a lifestyle that you intentionally live. You practice loving-kindness in the short-term, so that you will live a life of loving-kindness for the long-term. You live a life of loving-kindness so that all beings may be happy. You find happiness not by acquiring it, but by giving it to others.

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Tags: charity, loving kindness, golden-rule, giving, happiness, meditation, spirit, living spiritually